22.04.05 Icons that shall not grow old top
Captain lefty found himself with a surplus number of players for the visit of a newcastle third team which also had spare players, one of whom was to have a significant influence on the result. With Slim Nohair deciding to have a rest and assume the role of water carrier, Ex captain Sark was forced into the role of hooker, something he
had not done for over 20 years,though I am sure there are many things he has not done in 20 years! He was sandwiched between the mighty Hallam of no nickname and Hissey. Spectators were puzzled,and one was heard to say 'Is that Clive hooking?' The thought of Sark's hairline resembling that of Bald, and of Bald's belly resembling that of Sark, does not bear thinking about. On the subject of bellies, the trentham legend Many, only survived 20
minutes before his ankles finally wilted under the accumulative strain of carrying the multitude of stomachs. Howwever, he had lasted a full 19 minutes longer than his Newcastle counterpart, Ricey, who left the field
concussed after a latish hit by the mighty Gimley. This proved to be the turning point and Gimley will be forever remembered as the man who allowed Newcastle to bring on their substitute. This Serevi lookalike proceeded to
score 3 tries, 2 from his own half, in a display of pace and movement which the icons were unable to counteract.
In the first half the old boys seemed disinterested and played with no fire whatsoever. They found themselves 17-0 down at the interval which prompted the playing captain to revert to non playing captain which allowed Gimley's
big mate Keiron on at no 8. On reflection, all of Gimley's mates are bigger than him but he does seem to deal in extremes- think of baby Geesus. Whiskeyman came on having finished of the last of the Jamesons whilst he was
preparing Hell's Kitchen for the post match food. Tyson replaced Hissey, Dim Lawrence and a student also came on in the backs. A much better performance in the second half led to a try from the Student. Forward pressure led to a misdirected kick which was fielded by Doctor dave on the 10 metre line. he counter attacked, beating 2 men before creating a little bit of history- he passed! The conversion attempt by Rugby Leegue was missed before Newcastle restored their advantage with another converted try. At this point Lord Charles suffered another injury, breaking his arm in a tackle. This forced him off the pitch and into casualty where he would be kept overnight. This misfortune so upset his brother that he too left the field to be replaced by Macnamara who actually kept fairly quiet and allowed his play to talk instead. Lord Charles' withdrawal gave the captain a chance to assume his alter ego persona of Playing captain which was to lead to a second Trentham try. A line out tap was safely gathered into the ample midriff of the captain and a huge search then took place to find the ball. While the search was taking place, the pack drove forward and eventually Newcastle were penalised. A quick tap was given to keiron who powered over from 5 metres. Leegue's conversion attempt rolled along the floor to show that one can never discouint the Curse of Bellies' Boots. At 24-10 there was still hope but a final try from Serevi made the score 31-10, and caused the icons to regret the loss of Ricey. Post match Gimley was reprimanded for his assault on Ricey, Whiskeyman voted himself out of the kitchen and a larger than usual party went to the Mona for the evening pool competition. Due to the absence of Photos there were no easy opponents as Grey and Bald took on Tart and Nohair with the game ending with Tart fouling on the black.Other new players such as Hiss, Gilly and Leegue all ventured onto the table before moving on to the Boat where Doctor Dave bought a round and Sark reappeared following hospital visiting. For once a fairly early eve was in propect as the tired icons went their separate ways.Next Friday eve sees a return fixture against Newcastle at Trentham where one hopes to see Lord Charles in attendance even if only to run touch or take over water duties from Nohair. Has Mr. Tolerant got one game left in him? if so then this has to be the one. Hopefully the captain can forward this report to the old tugger. Season ends next week but during the summer research is taking place into the founding of a rest home for retired and infirm icons. Great names such as Wise Owl, Maxwell House, Photos, Beechy, Hippo would all have their own self contained flats with organised crochet classes, water colour painting and maybe even photography for those so inclined. Playing vets would take turns to act as wardens and carers to ensure that these old soldiers are not forgotten. The first saturday of every season will be officially wheelchair day so that these heroes of yesteryear can come out and watch their successors tread the fields of glory which  they had disgraced so famously in the past.
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17.04.05 Vintage Icons top
Footscray. Sounds like something one should refer to a chiropodist but it is in fact the name of a place in kent from whence came the icons opponents this week. A squad of 16 suprisingly featured not only a playing Lefty, but also son of the same, a figure of similar stature.The captain, in the absence of Wise Owl,Hippo, gelboy and Baby Geesus, had to don the no3 shirt even though it was a tight fit.Both Nohair twins were in action, Manybellies filled half the pitch, Pudsey made a rare appearance, but as a former railway employee, one can only expect him to turn up late. Whiskeyman, having outdrunk the tourists pre match, was at no 8 and Grey once again played in the back row. With the pitch once again of swamp like appearance, a tiring afternoon was in prospect and the visitors were ahead inside 3 minutes before the icons had even touched the ball. Gradually though the forwards began to win ball, Bellies allowed Gilly and Fat Nohair to attack in the centre and from a quickly taken penalty, the many stomached one wobbled bellies, confused the opposition who had never before seen such a massive swamp monster,and flopped over the line causing a mini tsunami as he landed. So confident was he that the conversion also succeeded to put the old boys ahead 7-5. More tries followed as Gilly capitalised on a break by Fat Nohair to score by the posts and once again Bellies proved that the old boot curse had been lifted to make the score 14-5. Shortly after Gilly once again made a break before giving Son of Lefty a clear 3 metre run to the line. However the young man showed he had inherited all his father's traits by falling over the line but placing the ball behind him! Luckily Gilly had realised that no Lefty can ever run more than 2 yards and followed up to score his second try.At half time the tourists swapped props and the tight head who had found Sark a real handful, moved across to try his luck with Lefty. The captain found himself in the clouds on occasions but stuck manfully to his task as the scrum came under pressure. Footscray came strongly and scored a converted try to bring the score to 19-12. Grey,having been a thorn in their side was brutally assaulted by the new loose head, but was not to be sidelined by a mere flow of blood. With 10 minutes to go Sark left the field and Beetlejuice came on for his first game of the season and a chance to sell some socks to potential new clients.The icons fought back with a try under the posts by Lord Charles, who had finally given up his pugilistic ambitions, to play rugby again. At this point complacency took over to allow Footscray 2 tries in quick succession and at 26-24 the game was in the balance but from a scrum in the visitors 22, Whiskeyman salvaged a ball from a retreating scrum and the ball went down the line to Pudsey who despite performing a circus juggling act, held onm to the ball to score in the corner.At 31-24, Another Dai asked for a substitute as his left buttock was causing him discomfort but Sark had collapsed on ther touchline and was unable to return. There was still time for some sterling defence to keep Footscray at bay but the win was secured. Post match Whiskeyman revealed his future role in the club as a reincarnation of Keith Floyd,by creating Mince a la Challinor which the visitors rated as the best post match food they had eaten all season. Gilly was named man of the match and was awarded a drink to celebrate and his teamates,having smelled the concoction were relieved that they didnt play as well as he did.The Castle Mona was invaded by the men of Kent but not before a fiercely competitive,but extremely lucky Another Dai, had defeated Grey 2-0 at pool. Grey and sark took cars home before returning to be greeted by tale that can only be one of complete fiction. It is the story of how Photos defeated Beechy at pool and those who have followed this contest through the annals of time,will know that a photos win could only be a dream. Eventually the party left with courier and ref Hammy, to tour the pubs of Newcastle. Grey and Sark followed shortly afterwards only to find no trace of the men of Footscray. Hammy in his role as the Pied Piper,had led them off to that mystical land where pubs are forever closed,and only the old and slow were left to tell the tale. Next week should be Burton at home so another full turn out is expected. Sadly it may well be that Footscray will be a deserted town next saturday as the residents mourn the loss of those brave men, yet more victims of the curse of the Punch pubs.
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19.03.05 A Multitiude of Icons top
First it was leek iii away, then it was Linley at home with a 2.00 kick off, next it was Leek ii at home with a 2.00 kick off but finally it was Leek ii but with a 2.45 kick off. This may seem unusual but with Captain Lefty's organisation nothing can be taken for granted- he even turned up, with kit, intending to play. With 25 players evenly split between seconds and vets there were many changes during the game which was just as well because the weather was almost suitable for cricket. The first half saw no icons in the front row but a century of years in the second row where Tarter and Another Dai linked arms. The latter was overjoyed at only having to play the first half as he would then be able to watch the entire Grand slam match between Ireland and some other team. His big mistake however, was to play too well, so that he, Tart and the Fabulous Baker Boy were the only 3 players to play a full 80 minutes.
At half back were Grey and Wideman, the former's years being roughly equivalent to the inches around latter's waistline. The whole game was played at a furious pace and Trentham opened the scoring with a try from Doctor Dave where as usual he ignored an overlap to choose the hard way over the line by running through 3 players.
Leek then began to apply pressure and were soon 12-5 ahead before a Bakerboy, the great Receder,scored following a concerted period of pressure.The conversion was missed but a 12-10 half time deficit left the game in the balance. Half time saw many changes. A front row of Hissey, Gelboy and the Hippo came on to add pace and paunch. Slim Nohair, having played back row and hooker went off to lie on the bank trying to get a sun tan on his tonsure. Dr. Dave was replaced by Bald, Wideman went off to  a kids' party (true) so the Receder moved to stand off.Discussion ensued as to who should throw in at line outs as both first half throwers had left the field. 'I'll do it if you like,' said gelboy 'but sometimes the ball sticks to all this grease on my hands.' 'I'm not,' said the Hippo,'because I've never handled a rugby ball in my life.I always lie on it.' Eventually Hissey was nominated as he never participates in line outs anyway. The second half saw some amazing tries and an amazing performance from the Receder at standoff where he ran and passed like Barry John and even had the vision to deliberately miskick a punt for touch and shout at Doctor Dave to chase the full 2 feet it dribbled. 2 tries came as a result of no 1 balls to the line out both caught by the sticky hands of gelboy, both thrown in by the man in the yellow shoes,Hissey.
2 were score by Captain Morbid, who showed pace well disguised beneath an increasing amount of grey hair.
A further try was scored by Gelboy who appeared on the wing outside Bald. What he was doing thewre was a mystery as there had been much ball winning leading up to his score. One assumes he had just been greasing down his
locks to make himself more aerodynamic for the run in. In all 7 tries were scored-2 each for Morbid and the Receder, plus 1 each for Doctor Dave, Gelboy and Dim Lawrence. The final try came when Doctor Dave ran through 3 players as always and passed outside to none other than a playing Lefty who ran his usual full 2 yards before handing on and collapsing through exhaustion. He had actually played part of the first and all of the second half to equal the total of minutes he had played previously this season. At this point many will be wondering 'Where was Sark?' The answer is he was whistling. He penalised Jones for being too quick around the front of a line out, saomething he himself has made a career of (No,not being quick but being where he shouldn't.) He unbelievably penalised Grey for not putting the ball in straight (Something he praises Grey for most saturdays). His most popular decision though, was to penalise The Receder for shouting to a Leek player 'OOH! Stop being a big baby!' OOH Baker, what a serious offence that was. Post match, Another Dai smoked a packet of cigarettes as Ireland threatened to make a come back, Hissey mislaid his shoes again, Fat Nohair was wearing a baseball cap in preparation for toupee fitting this week and Ann Marie cooked her last meal. Later in the Bat, Dennis Connolly enlivened the Calcutta Cup match merely by his presence as the last scotsman ever to play rugby, because none of the current lot can. Mr. Tolerant received text messages from many phones commenting on the Scottish performance. His replies cannot be printed here. There has deliberately been no mention of the team which won the grand slam as no doubt we will be hearing of that Dai, after Dai. after Dai for the next 28 years!
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08.01.05 Post Festive Icons top
The Christmas and new year seemed to have taken its toll on the iconic squad as there were several absentees including the captain now known as the Scarlet Pimpernel (they seek him here, they seek him there, those icons seek him everywhere).The elusive skipper has promised to be there in february but declines to say which year.The following icons were on parade:- the 3 Marx(sorry-Atkin) brothers, the Nohair twins Denny and Slater, Young Bob, Hippo, Dr. Dave,Tarter, Grey and Whiskeyman who with his disciples Lord Byran and Dr. Dave joining him in pre match malt tasting, was soon back in the swing. These sturdy and in many cases,portly warriors, were supplemented by second team refugees including Dim Lawrence.Ex Captain Sark assumed refereeing duties and gave the captain's mantle to Brother Charles.The sun shone,the wind howled and the old boys elected to play with the elements. After withstanding early pressure and taking the lead with a Dr. Dave penalty, they were stunned when following a kick and chase the visiting winger and Lord Byran contested a ball over the line. Ref Sark was unsure who had gained the final touch and so asked his elder,poetic brother who replied'Oh Brother Sark,'twas not I Therefore you must award a try.'At 5-3 down the icons produced a moment of sublime rugby. They attacked down
the left,recycled twice via Slim Nohair before Grey passed out to the Doc. He fed Whiskeyman who has assumed the modern back row mode of standing in the centre, either that or he was too tired to get across.Whiskey then made half a break, and timed a perfect pass to Dim Lawrence who being the only vet with pace strode over in the corner to give the icons an 8-5 advantage. Dr. dave's conversion attempt dribbled towards the posts and it was only later that he revealed that he was suffering with gout and that he had forgotten his parent's note excusing him from games. Changes at half time saw the larger of the Nohairs going off and to his credit the old boy's tackling was missed in the second half which started disastrously when after Grey's brave fall on a kick ahead, a subsequent missed kick allowed Burntwood to take the lead 12-8. Two further tries were conceded but a controversial disallowed try prevented the old boys from closing the gap.Following a long rolling maul the ball was recycled, drives were held up until the Tart peeled off the side,pirouetted,and seemingly placed the ball behind his head and over the line. This time Sark was unable to ask whether a try had been scored as Lord Byran had already left the field so a non rhyming 5 metre scrum was awarded.A final score of 24-8 was a little harsh on the below strength icons but there can be no complaints about the result.Meanwhile the missing icons were to found spread around the globe. Bald was on a cross channel ferry, returning from victory in international pool,whilst managing his estates in France. Photos was assuming his presidency of the National Society for Boys Clubs but still found time later, to partner Sark in a drawn pool contest with Grey and Dr.Dave. Manybellies was still trying to do up his trousers following an excess of beer and curry at the Ray Klabou memorial, NoPints was writing his autobiography entitled '1001 Ways to Cry Off' and GelBoy is off on a world tour.Later in the evening there was a sinister scene in the Boat and Horses where that evil druggie Wise Owl was seen slyly handing over tablets to Dr. Dave, ostensibly to relieve gout. Neither is eligible for legal aid however, and would welcome character references to be in the hands of their solicitors before the game at Willenhall next Saturday.
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18.12.04 Icons in the Trenches top
Captain Lefty again in non playing, non appearing mode, Sark was left in charge and his countdown to kick off-19..18...17.....16......15........ represented the number of players at his disposal as various cry offs took their toll. Doctor Dave with a foot injury nothing more serious than a toe nail which required cutting, Jeff Fireman probably with a touch of the cartwright's, Morbid called to the first team and the Tart! This bastion(Excuse spelling!) of the side, having failed to get the game transfered to Linley (Opponents-OK Klabou?), finally cried off with a cold,
although he didn't say what was cold. To be fair though,this cold would have been full blown Aids to 2 Pints.
Just as Sark was about to sink into that slough of despond, there was good news. Doctor Dave had been to casuality and had his nails clipped and thus appeared on the car park with kit. Even more uplifting,though not totally unexpected given the swamp like conditions was a phone call from Asda car park where the Hippo was trapped by big game hunters and desperate himself to play in the big game.Whiskyman was there to ref after a fashion and the front 5 was made up of props- Hippo,Gelboy,'Iron Mike' Tyson, Hissey and Sark, thus allowing Another Dai and 2 Pints to add their pace to that of Lord Charles in the back row.Dim Lawrence played full back as Bald opted to play on the wing,saying that the pitch was too deep for him to run across and anyway,he had forgotten his armbands.
In excellent conditions for old,slow mud bathers, the old boys scored 2 excellent first half tries when first Gimley skated through the centres before handing on to The Doctor to score close enough to the posts for Manybellies to convert. 10minutes later from a scrum in their own half the ball found Bellies who launched the ball down the line where Dim Lawrence burst clear on the 10 metre line tro outpace the defence to the line. Once again Bellies' boots did the trick and a 14-0 advantage was gained. Sloppy play led to a Linley breakaway try shortly before half time so at 14-7 the game might have been in the balance. The wet, dirty, shivering troops were now aware of what World War I trench warfare was like, indeed Bald actually set up camp in the ditch whilst looking for a ball in the first half. 2 pints though was more seriously affected by Hypothermia,having dived in several bogs to tidy up loose ball.
So cold was the old boy, that it seemed to be a choice between euthanasia of Oates' gallant gesture at the South pole. As it was the hero now known as No Vest, stayed on heroically before beating Lord Byran post shower to be first away.The second half saw the disappearance of Hissey and Dim to the first team to be replaced by Big baz. Linley had one last chance to score from a cross kick but fortunately their winger knocked on. The showers saw a major thawing out operation as numb hands began to ache and tingle and grey waited for his toes to lose their blue tinge and return to their normal shade.In the bar Dim asked Grey to look after his beer while he toileted. Grey replied that in the absence of Ray Klabou his beer was safe. 'Where's that?'asked the young man. 'Somewhere in Iceland?' Ray Klabou-the capital of Iceland!In the Castle Mona the pool table was occupied initially so Dim Lawrence,under the influence of Doctor Grolsch, performed psychological analysis of everyone in the pub free of charge. On his departure comments such as' Is your mate always like that?' were received from his grateful local clientele.Pool began when a local boy challenged Doctor Dave who outpsyched him to win before Sark and Grey teamed up to lose to Bald and the Boy. At this point Photos arrived and as new partnerships were formed he was asked to partner Bald.' Oh,' he said wistfully. 'Can I play with the boy instead?' Grey left early for a sober social elsewhere, leaving a team of medics and counsellors,to look after a thirsty Sark and a hungry Photos. Brown Jug Friday pm, Ray Klabou memorial starting in greyhound at 7.30 December 28th. Linley ii, Linley ii, Linley ii, Linley ii. Wait and see if the old boy complains he doesn't know who we played this week.
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11.12.04 Revitalised Icons top
With Non attending captain Lefty absent, it was left to Grey to organise the icons this week and with Manybellies assuming there was no game and organising his own family get together, there were worrying moments. Fortunately the portly one left family to their own devices as his first duty is always to his team. There were still concerns however as Lord Byran cried off with a touch of writers cramp and there was also no ref. The latter was organised as grey approached Mark Whatisname who agreed to officiate providing Grey promised to nmever forget his name again. Baz Shaunessy was unable to make the 2nds so he was a major plus at no8 but just when it seemed we would be one icon short (No I dont mean Bald-one short icon), who should arrive unexpectedly but Mr. Tolerant.

So the scene was set, with 2 pints hooking and Gelboy reliving his youth as a tight head, Another Dai at second row, Gimley released from Gnome duties in the centre and Karl, released from coaching Newcastle ladies how to ruck, on the wing. The game started at a ferocious pace with running , passing ,recycling,occurrences not seen in vets rugby for some time. The first score came after 5 minutes when Big Baz picked up from a scrum 10 metres out and ploughed over the line in the stile of the Imperial Inch. Indeed there was much of the Imperial in Baz's play as he only ever passed to Mr.Tolerant.A second try followed when the ball arived in the hands of Dr. Dave in the centre who produced a wonderful impression of manybellies by ignoring a 2 man overlap, cutting inside, shrugging off would be tacklers before scoring under the posts. Only a huge stomach was missing although Bellies stepped up to convert for the second time.Still the pace was maintained and following a burst from Pudsey, Grey fed Mr. Tolerant who ambled over from his usual 2 metre range. Half time and a 19-0 scoreline gave acting captain Sark the opportunity for a speech reminiscent of Henry v at Agincourt. Unfortunately Dr. Dave missed most of this as he was now giving an impression of someone suffering from an incurable sickness as he coughed and vomited. The second half was more low key although there was the vaguely comical sight of Grey and 2 pints going for the same high ball but being the only 2 people not to call for it.Try number 4 came when Bellies decided to perform his own impression of himself and Grey behaved very naively by backing up when he should know that Riley never passes when the line is less than 20 metres away. This try had however, begun with an amazing run by Pudsey, who covered 50 metres through the swamp,showing pace never before seen in a vets game. The final try came from another series of plays resulting in Karl taking a scoring pass from Gelboy who for some reason appeared in the centre position.Quite why is a mystery, though rumour has it that he had been grooming his hair in readiness for his next Brylcream commercial. No conversions so a final score of 29-0 was the result of probably the best display this season. In the clubhouse 2 pints but no call, had 2 drinks, Lord Charles maintained family honour in the absence of his elder,poetic brother, by leaving early and Sark was in a much more amiable mood than last week.The castle Mona saw a new pool partnership of Beechy and Son. So good were they that Wise owl constantly sought to snooker a 7 year old but the father and son team were too good for all comers. Linley next week- no Tolerant or Pudsey but hopefully a returning Bald and Byran.

Ray Klabou memorial agreed route of Penkhull:
1) Greyhound 7.30
2) Marquis
3) Beehive
4) That pub opposite whose name I always forget
5) Staff of Life
6) Food
NB It is the reponsibility of all icons to ensure the prompt arrival of the super hero whose long career of injuring his own team, buying them beer with their own money and drinking any beer other than his own, is celebrated at this auspicious gathering.
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04.12.04Dirty and Disapointed Icons top
Following Captain Lefty's exhortation not to 'let this team die on its arse' there was an improved turn out for the game against Leek although the actual performance left much to be desired. There were several returning faces including Nohair now becoming increasingly 'bellyesque' in appearance. Bald, soon to be known as the Gay,Bald Icon, was there wearing his sleeveless vest and giving some credence to the rumour that Freddie Mercury is still alive,albeit having lost a foot in height. The artist soon to be known as 2 Pints again, stumbled across the car park, Gel Boy was pounding the floor of the changing room,applying the final touches to his John Travolta impression, and the Hippo, inspired by the chance to indulge in some 'top bombing' in the swamp, made his first vets appearance of the season. Finally there was triple evidence that Atkins are not extinct as Sark and their lordships Charles and Byran, all donned the green shirt. You may notice no mention of Captain Lefty, this week non playing and non
appearing, so it was left to ex captain Sark to organise his resources. This saw 2 Pints partnering Tart in the 2nd row, Grey in the back row with the Russian spy Bezus, Nohair forming the largest half back partnership of all time with Manybellies, Gilly and beechy in the centre and Fireman Jeff another returning hero on the wing.

The game.
The forwards dominated the set scrums and the loose but found themselves trailing 12-0 at half time as ball was constantly spilled. The first try came when Leek got the ball out to their young winger who didnt look dangerous until he saw Photos on the touchline. His fear at being approached by the that noted abuser of leek boys, caused a massive injection of pace as he sought to escape Photo's clutches.The icons became increasingly frustrated by Leek killing the ball, and Grey and Sark were forced to administer some of Mr. Tolerant's stud medecine in an attempt to stop this plague from spreading. Meanwhile Gilly staked a claim to Lord Charles' welterweight title by launching a flurry of blows on a recent recipient of the Tolerant tonic. Half time saw Beechy leave the field with an arm injury which turned out to be a serious break. He was taken to hospital by a watching Wise Owl who upon learning Beechy only had one fit arm, realised it was his only chance to beat him at golf,so immediately booked a tee time for the two of them.The second half saw Bezus retire to the first team front row for a rest,and 2 young lads come on to replace him and Beechy. Almost immediately one of them, yet another from the seemingly endless stream of Davis's, scored a brilliant solo try to give hope. The forwards kept up the pressure although Young Bob was sorely missed in the line out. Tarter went on an amazing run following a line out, 2 pints grafted,GelBoy continued to dominate until finally a second try came through Fireman Jeff in the right hand corner. 12-10 and Manybellies to attempt a conversion from the touchline. The great roar from a watching Rammer told all that Bellies had succeeded. The curse had been lifted and the game seemingly had been saved. From the kick off the ball was safely caught by Man of the Match Tarter who passed to Grey. He in turn found 2 pints who linked with Gilly. A ruck deep in the Leek half ensued, the ball went out, the ball was on the floor, the Leek fly half kicked on, and on, and on..........TRY. Defeat snatched from the jaws. 17-12.

Post match Sark was slumped, hands in pockets for over an hour, a seemingly broken man. The crowd thinned rather like his hair, but still the ex captain struggled to come to terms with his loss. Fortunately Doctors Bald and Grey were at hand. Pedigree and Pool were prescribed. Early bulletins were not encouraging as the old skipper lost to Bald, but when paired with Grey against Bald and non playing Doctor Psycho,the old dinosaur gradually regained his bonhomie and his zest for all games. Wise Owl and Beechy challenged, with Owl allowing Beechy to play all the difficult shots but Sark was not to be denied

Next week should be at home to Stafford and with Beechy, Bald and Nohair definitely unavailable such names as Golum,Tolerant, Psycho will have to play. Dai another Day will have to surrender his whistle and play another day. December 28th. Penkhull. Ray Klabou Memorial. 7.30. Attendance compulsory at this training session. Rota for pushing or carrying Hammy around will be drawn up though Beechy will be excused. Help the Aged will sponsor Dennis Connolly.
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13.11.04 Icons day out top
A minutes silence was proposed pre match as for the first time in history a vets team took the field without an Atkin. However the referee proposed a celebration as he would not have to endure a verbal battering from Sark. In the absence of the ex captain a huge replacement Shaughnessy who resembled Bluto, joined Gelboy and baby geesus in the front row. In fact with a back row containing those noted speedsters Playing Captain, Another Dai and No Pints, the paciest forward was Gel Boy so there were some worries. The backs featured 2 Lees in the centre and a returning Bald and Pudsey on the wings.The Psycho thwarted Lefty's plans to send him to Birches Head by checking the venue with Grey. The lack of pace turned out to be no problem at all as the old boy's scrum was dominant.Newcastle were shoved backwards,lost their own ball as the lightning feet of gel Boy allied to the bulk of Geegee and Bluto were too much for the home team.After some near misses including  Pudsey being forced out right on the corner flag,the first try came when manymellies scooped up a low pass from Grey and found the Red sea opening as he he waddled through from 20 metres. Teagan converted and the scene seemed set for a resounding victory. Complacency though set in, penalties were conceded, No Pints and Tarter joined from the sides and Another Dai did a excellent Hippo impression when diving over the top. Eventually Newcastle equalised with a driving maul from another short penalty. 7-7 at half time and Captain Lefty urged more steadiness and requested that the game be slowed down to his pace, citing damaged knees as the reason for his being unable to keep up with Big Tone. The team responded gratefully and scrum power led to a score when No Pints picked up from 6 inches out and flopped over the line. The conversion was missed but more excitement was to come when Young Bob soared to steal a Newcastle line out, Baby Geesus engulfed the ball and a huge drive ensued. After this mass of bodies had driven newcastle back 15 yards, Geegee emerged 10 yards from the line with not a Newcastle player in sight. With a look of horror on his face as he realised he would have to run unaided such a huge distance, he set off on what was a marathonesque task. Some time later with the line 1 metre away the legs gave out, geesus staggered,as if hit by one of his own right hooks but managed to extend his arms just far enough to place the ball over the line. Teagan converted to make the score 19-7. Newcastle came back and despite some desperate defence scored a converted try to stay in contention at 19-14. With 5 minutes to go boring was the buzz word as the old boys decfided to tighten up the game but with Grey can it ever be boring? From a line out deep in the Newcastle 22,Tarter caught and immediately offloaded to Grey who made one of those incisive breaks he has never been famous for. The defence was split asunder but with the last defender threatening to prevent a score who should appear at Grey's shoulder but the only man with the pace to keep up with the silver haired wizard,of course it was Manybellies. As Grey took the tackle he deftly passed to the many stomached one who scored his second try of the game.Teagan then proceeded to miss the conversion under the posts to show that the curse of Riley's Boots can never be discounted. Final score 24-14 and yet another win against Newcastle who were finally reduced to uncontested scrums. It was appropriate that Tarter's night out should take place on an evening following such a success and several ex players were there to honour the victorious icons including a brace of Cunninghams and No Photos.Hammy was also there and one could sense the unease on the landlord's face at the presence of Mr.Punchpub. Unfortunately the man whose name changes each week was absent but at least he had a wash and for one week at least will be known as One Pint.As for next week, will there be any reborn Atkins? Will Mr. Tolerant return to add his counselling skills to the pack? Which of the 2 Lefty's, playing or non playing will it be?
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07.11.04 The Laughing Icon top
When one hears of icons receiving red cards, one assumes Baby Geesus has caressed someones jaw with his knuckles, Mr.Tolerant has allowed a prostrate opponent to inspect Smithy's studs with his back or Sark has been repeatedly boring, but to be sent off for laughing? This was the fate whichbefell young Jambo as he continually mocked the decisions of the Dennis Connolly lookalike ref. He might have escaped with a yellow card until he pleaded ' But sir, I was only laughing at Tarter's jokes.' As all experienced icons know, no one has ever laughed at one of those, so young James had to go. With the Old Boys leading 45-0 at the time this dismissal did not have to serious an effect although Rugeley did manage a converted try as a consolation.In the absence of Bald, Beechy, Gilly, hammy and Lord Byran, there was some extra pace in the backs with Mike Teague, Bicky and Mr. Red Card on the wings and centre, although to balance this excess of pace,Nohair aka Midibellies, appeared in the centre. Young Fletch was at No 8 and that well known schizophrenic Lefty was at tight head in his alter ego as Playing captain.Tries soon began to reign as first the ball went smoothly down the line to red card who passed back inside for Bicky to stroll over before collapsing just to the left of the posts which gave Teagan the chance to kicked the ball under the posts from close range. Soon after the ball moved towards the other wing where Teagan sold an outrageous dummy and scored close enough to the posts to allow himself to convert. Try number 3 saw Manybellies throw a short reverse pass to a bursting Nohair,but despite splitting the seems of his shorts,the hairless one surged to the line showing pace never before seen from one so fat. However his stamina expired and he collapsed 2 metres from the line. Amazingly Young Fletch, now almost twice the size of his grey namesake,was on hand to scoop up the ball and create a huge crater as he dived over in the corner.Young teagan converted from the touchline to make the half time score 26-0.Shortly before half time there was a portent of things to come when the ref marched trentham back 30 yards as the first signs of mirth began to be expressed at his decisions. At half time Lefty, the mystic, foresaw a Trentham sending off as he realised the ref was not finding anything humourous about the game, not even the sight of No Pints doing a tarter impression and dropping a kick off. The second half saw domination again despite playing uphill. Dave the Psycho joined in the line from full back to score before Bicky used his pace to complete his hat trick. he also used this pace after the game to get away swiftly without buying a jug! Dai came on for another day as Lord Charles went off to try to paly for the opposition only to find they hadnt got a shirt to fit him. One rugeley prop went off to cut someone's hair- a job that wouldnt take long if he were the Icons' team stylist. A second player went off with a broken arm for which Mr. Tolerant denied all responsibility. As the old boys strove to keep a clean sheet grey was unbelievably penalised for a HIGH tackle, Bellies for a late tackle and Tarter for not tackling at all.However 45-7 was a resounding win. No Pints is rapidly taking on Lord Byran's mantle as the fastest getaway driver in England and this week he has been renamed No Shower, after his mud splattered body hopped in his car and disappeared into the mists of Rugeley. The evening pool contest saw Another Dai challenge Grey and for a while looked a winner as he led 2-1. Grey equalised and with the score at 2-2 the match was adjourned to the Dick Turpin where Dai's day ended in a 4-2 defeat. What of sark? He actually had 3 last drinks in the Castle Mona before finally heading off to watch Strictly Come Drinking, his favourite programme.Next week Birches Head and Tarter's Big Night Out at the Mona. Wives Girld Friends and shell suits welcome.
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23.10.04 Abandoned Icons top
This diminutive report does not reflect the stature of this week's reporter, nor that of the stand in scrum half, both of whom are mere substitutes for the irrepressible Grey (away on a well earned break in the Lake District) but on the length of the game, abandoned just five minutes into the second half when "The Hamstring" took one step too many but left the rest of his leg behind. The unfortunate consequence was that when his foot should have been pointing north, it was in fact pointing south, a circumstance which, given the cold and wet condition prevailing, forced the premature ending of the game when Trentham were threatening to overturn the 7 - 0 deficit, a legacy of a scrappy first half. Trentham had fallen behind halfway through the half after a breakdown in play had found the Green's back division out of position. Highlights in the first half had been rare other than one or two darting runs from the base of the scrum from Gimley and the sight of a rejuvenated Mad Max soaring into the air when thrown into the air by Baby
Jesus and left to find his own way down. Both teams had threatened the other's line, but only the one score had resulted. The end of the game had occurred abruptly with a loud crack .
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09.10.04 Icons and Friends top
With Captain Lefty AWOL the Magnificent Seven Icons joined forces with second teamers and birches Head to take on Newcastle iii. Sark was in Yul Brynner mold and a resurgent Hippo was a brooding, menacing Charles Bronson.The front row was completed with gel Boy, as near a replacement for Steve McQueen as could ever be found. With Lord Charles in the second row, Grey at scrum half, Hammy in the centre and Beechy on the bench, the scene was set for one of those epic western scenes on the plains of Trentham. However as the team warmed up on the pitch, Captain Greg Morbid called in his troops and in a manner more akin to Captain Mainwaring, ordered his men to their cars as the game was actually taking place at Newcastle. Once on the field Morbid led his heroes in yet another warm up which Sark hid from, Hippo watched from afar, whilst Beechy the Bench grumbled to a watching Photos. Eventually the game began and Morbid's Marauders took the game to Newcastle. The scrum was solid although the soft ground did prove quite attractive to Hippo as he kept lowering the scrum to taste the appetising Newcastle mud. His highlight can be visualised by all, as Newcastle strove to release quick ball, a great green mass flopped over the top, killing all known life thereunder. Hammy was finding playing outside Morbid very much to his liking and very much like playing with manybellies except that he now see where the ball was coming from witrhout mountains of flesh blocking his line of vision. Grey was everywhere and being watched by his daughter and her gang of young friends, amazed them all by catching a high ball, being viciously floored but still laying the ball back and getting up still living. 0-0 at half time and despite the forwards tiring they kept up their efforts. Lord charles began to dominate the line out, Gel Boy, despite a hamstring strain (Lets hope its ok as 2 Hammies in one team would be unbearable),supported his liege lord, and Grey retrieved and recycled ball to the backs. The deciding moment came when Jacko, guesting at no.8 picked up and drove towards the line. He got to ground,supported by Majid Khan a Sri lankan flanker, whereupon Grey fed Morbid who in true Bellies style,gave a short pass to a bursting Hammy. 5-0 but game not quite over. From a hopeful up and under the ref awarded Newcastle a penalty under the posts following a top dive from Ricey. As Newcastle shaped to take a quick tap, Sark suffered the most appalling case of ham acting ever seen. Stooping in typical old man's pose he called 'Water, water.' to which the ref replied 'Why?' 'Don't know said sark. By which time all defenders were back, newcastle impetus was lost and the resulting penalty was easily if somewhat underhandedly, defended. Post match  Grey was forced to drink in his socks as he had left his shoes at Trentham but having retrieved them found Sark and co in the Mona but unable to play pool as local riff raff led by Dave the Psycho had taken over the table. Following sark's departure there was time for Photos to challenge the Grey icon to a winner takes all frame which grey won and therefore had to take Photos home via the Boat and the Chinese. Any news on Lord Byran yet?
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02.10.04 Aged Icons top
With baby Geesus absent through injury there was an unusual amount of space in the dressing room as Whiskey man was still indulging in corporate and corpulent hospitality. Gel Boy returned but was unable to bring his replacement, 2 Pints, with him as once again the artist now known as No Pints had to cry off as he might be
working some time next week. Captain Lefty, rather than play tight head again himself, borrowed a young
Stoke prop, thus allowing himself to join forces with Tarter in the second row, although 'force' might not quite be the right word. In reponse to last week's missing persons appeal, Mr. Tolerant turned up to add his own brand of calm and reasoning to the changing room. The Captain also sprang a surprise by starting with grey on the wing and little Golum at scrum half. Within 5 minutes the Tart was gone and another young Stokie joined captain
lefty in the second row although he had to have his arm measured to ensure it was long enough to reach around the captain's ever expanding midriff. Luckily the Stoke lad was Mr. Tickle so all was well. soon after this
incident Mr. Tolerant attempted to head butt the boots of a Stoke forward and was surprised to come off second best with blood pouring from his head. Tolerant left the field which allowed the versatile Grey to move into the
back row and another young Stokie to come on on the wing. If only photos had been there to drool over all these young boys. The game itself was hard as the scrum was moved around, the ball was slow and the legs were old.
Stoke led 7-0 at half time and after an uncertain start things seemed to be back on an even keel. Stoke kept exposing the old boys lack of pace and fitness and when Bellies watched his opposite number skip inside he felt
confident that his back row would catch the young man. Little did bellies realise that 2 players with a combined age of 110- Whisky and Grey were not likely to outsprint someone a third of their age and a third of Bellies
weight. With Dai Another Day on whistle duties one had to play to welsh rules and Trentham conceded several penalties close to their line.From one of these despite an heroic grey tackle Stoke recycled and scored-12-.However form a scrum in the Stoke 22 the ball went from Golum via Bellies into the hands of Hammy who ploughed over just wide enough out that he wouldn't be too embarrassed when he missed the conversion.He will be embarrassed by the Sentinel report of Punch Pubs forcing the closure of the Talbot in Leek following their takeover. The report says that Hammy owns 7,334 pubs of which 7,333 are closed. This try proved to be the highlight of both Trentham's game and Hammy's week as Stoke exposed the lack of pace and fitness of the old boys by scoring 3 tries in the last quarter to win 29-7. Post match, as the players tried to recover, a strange sight was seen ambling across the car park. It was living proof that that rare breed of pachyderm is not extinct as the Hippo came in search of sustenance. Pausing briefly to gather strength to climb the steps, the Hipmeister looked longingly at the dampened grass where a slight hint of mud reminded him of his natural environment. The castle Mona saw an appearance by that would be golfer Tiger Cunningham and the reappearance of another rare species thought to be extinct-Maxwell House.Also the limping Bald was out for the night so had to be chaperoned by Grey and Dai.
Lets hope the many injuries and unavailabilities ease to allow a fuller squad next week. Further Missing persons report. Lord Byran- last seen getting into car just after half time in a match 3 years ago saying he had to be home early. Any information please dont contact us.
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25.09.04 Tired and Injured Icons top
Only 2 teams cried off against the old boys this week-Stafford on Thursday and Tamworth 1 hour before kick off. The sight of Manybellies carrying his kit from the car, mounting the steps as the chair lift was unavailable, collapsing with exhaustion only to receive the devasting news that there was no game, was a sight to make grown icons cry. Geegee was saved this mountainous climb only due to Lefty in his more accustomed role of non playing captain, informing him of the Tamworth ba****ds cowardice. As bodies drifted away, Sark and Grey decided to go to Oswestry to watch the first team. Ignoring Grey's advice to go via Whitchurch the pair set off on Sark's Mid Wales tour via Shrewsbury, Llangollen and Wrexham. Having completed the round trip by 5.50 the pair met at pool in the Castle Mona where Sark upset the world champ by winning 3-1. Stoke next week tho prob their firsts as noone else dare play us. Where is Mr. Tolerant?}
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18.09.04 Tired and Injured Icons top
In the absence of gelboy and baby Geesus, the former due to a broken finger nail and the latter due to a severe case gayness, 2 pints became hooker and captain lefty made the ultimate sacrifice for his team and endeavoured to
fill big Tone's no 3 shirt. The shirt was a tight fit but against an experienced front row the skipper,unused to playing a full game, performed heroically despite some flying lessons. The appearance of Young Fletch in the back row meant there were 3 Fletchers on the field, as Grey's namesake was at scrum half for the opposition.
Manybellies made his first appearance which was a relief to nohair as he was now the second largest back on display. Dave the psycho was on the wing whilst Gilly, Dai another Day, Golum and the photogenic one were on the
bench.

The first half was lacklustre and filled with errors. The tart walked off after 5 minutes with the old bad back syndrome so Dai came on for another day. Willenhall took an early lead before Bellies manouevred his vast army
of stomachs over the line to put the old men ahead. Unfortunately 2 interception tries gave Willenhall a 17-7 advantage.At this point the psycho followed tarter off the field with a injury to his plastic hip so on came
Gilly for his first appearance of the season. The last play of the half saw Bellies at his most outrageous. Taking a short ball from grey,he burst inside, sold dummies everywhere, leaving the opposition uncertain which belly had the ball, before creating an earth tremor as he flopped over the tryline. This proved too much for the many stomached one as he then requested leave of absence to join Tart and Psycho on the touchline.17-10 down with the slope and wind against 2nd half did not look promising but the heroes had much in store. Golum replaced Riley, indeed he is about the size of just one of the bellies so there was immediately much more space for the backs. Gilly's pace and aggression led to an equalising score when he chased a kick from his own 22, flyhacked on, and on, and on before picking up the ball but as the try line approached his legs gave out but incredibly at his shoulder
was Lord Charles who pretended he had run all the way in support but in fact had forgotten to change ends at half time. His lordship touched down under the posts only for Hammy to suffer an attack of the Rileys Boot syndrome and miss the conversion.

Meanwhile Whiskeyman had spent the first 2 thirds of the game sobering up but was on hand when once again Gilly's legs gave out a foot from the line. The old Tosser staked his claim for this season's award by scooping up the ball and falling over the line. Whilst this was happening, Bald was lying down on the half way line. His
team mates, used as they are to the hairless one resting mid match ignored him at first but it soon became apparent that he too was affected by the tart syndrome. The back was gone, Bald was gone but on came Photos, having just finished his latest project on Childline. In the absence of beechy, players forgot Photos role and proceeded to pass to him. It was indeed fortunate that Beechy was not their to witness the next act, as it would
surely have brought on a fatal seizure. The ball was passed down the line to the waiting photos who unbelievably ran around his younger opponent without a hint of abuse, and scored a try which hammy converted. The final score came when Little golum, chipped ahead but was outrun by Giily who having twice died inches from the line was not to be denied a try.

Final score 34-17.
Post match Grey had to be Jeeves to Bald's Wooster, as he dressed and transported the world's second shortest pool cue. Once the injured one was safely settled in the OAP home with rocking chair, slippers and a bottle of
Wincarnis tonic wine, Grey was able to return to the pool table. By this time Beechy and Wise Owl had arrived from the golf course, and Grey, partnered by female Fletch, proceeded to thrash Owl and Psycho in the game
of the night. As the winning Fletchers left Sark was relieved to find that he still had company for the boat and Horses as he left with Beechy, dai, Owl and psycho. Stafford next week as the quest for the merit table continues.
Incidentally,does anyone know what Captain Lefty did with last season's beer prize?
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11.09.04 Avenging Icons top
The first game of the season saw the icons pitted against Burntwood, the side who as well as pipping the old boys to last seasons merit table, had also soundly beaten them on each of the last two visits to Burntwood.There were two new faces on show. Firstly as part of the club's support of asylum seekers, Mark Bissell, was granted a place in the side as he could not find anyone at Newcastle old enough to play with. The second new face, Little Dave, a Mini Me look alike, refugee from Lord of the Rings, whose name eludes me. Little Dave made his debut at stand off as there were no Manybellies. However, the multi stomached hero had leant unused tummies to Captain Lefty and Nohair who both amply filled Bellies' shorts. Also absent was Lord Byran who rather than leave early as he usually does,
decided to beat the post match rush by not evn arriving. Instead he sent Lord Byransson, who promptly returned home to find his boots, thus shattering Captain lefty's hopes of a serious pre match gathering. Other old faces were on display- a front row of Sark, gelboy and Geegee, tarter and Young Bob in the 2nd row and Two Pints, Lord Charles and Biss in the back row.Grey was at scrum half, although the post match comment of the young raffle ticket seller when Whiskeyman bought ticket number 66 'Oh, the age of your scrum half!' was most uncalled for.Nohair played in the centre with Hammy who managed to survive uninjured thus allowing 6 punch pubs to remain open for an afternoon. Bald was at full back and spent the whole afternoon standing next to little dave as the latter is the first person ever to look up to Clive. The old boys withstood early pressure and relieved situations with good use
of the wind. Young Bob ,despite wearing an outlandish T shirt after the game, was soaring in the line out, winning his own as well as stealing much of his taller, younger opponent's. It was from a line out that the first score came. sark as expected overthrew his brother at no4 and the home flanker secured the ball. however, 2 pints adroitly turned his man, robbed him of the ball and set up a driving maul. Geegee looked certain to score but once he ran out of breath and had no one strong enough to keep him upright for the last yard, collapsed in a heap. Meanwhile Biss, as an ex
newcastle player, had no idea what a maul was, so he watched in amazement as the

Trentham Trundlers rolled on.From the heap Grey released the ball to Little dave who naturally switched play to the short side where Biss was awakened from his spectator roll to receive a try scoring pass on his big match debut. Hammy thereupon converted from the touchline.Trentham were now in control and 2 penalties from Hammy made the half time score 13-0.The second half saw Burntwood more in the game as the old legs or should it be lags, tired. Solid boring stuff was called for yet a spectacular try made the score 18-0.Biss broke from the back of a line out on the trentham 22 and handed on to Lord Charles who in turn found 2 pints. This burst allowed Grey to release the backs including an insurgent Bald before hammy kicked over, chased and scooped up the ball to score in the corner.At this point a tired 2 pints was replaced by captain Lefty who immediately announced his arrival in Hippoesque circumstances by conceding a penalty for lying on the ball and not releasing. 'But i did' replied the bemused skipper. 'Not quickly enough' retorted the ref. 'You're just too slow Lefty!' came a typical comment from the Lord of Sark.Dai another Day then replaced the tart for the final quarter but as the old, the bald,the overweight,the grey and the senile grew ever more tired,

Burntwood scored 2 consolation tries.The result however, an 18-10 victory was a fine start on a ground where
victory has rarely been achieved.Post match saw the Star invaded but the pool table at the Mona occupied at
first by locals.Several non players-Photos, beechy, Wise Owl and Cornesy all came to savour a winning atmosphere. In the only game of pool, Photos snatched defeat from the jaws of victory against Bald but then Bald is a player as he showed during the afternoon.Next week should be Willenhall at home but on the evidence of the season so far it could be anyone.
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